I'm struggling emotionally this morning and I don't know what to do
2:42PM UPDATE
I've decided to take a mental health break. I usually publish daily, including the holidays, but I am temporarily pausing my operations. That includes my website, newsletter, social media, and consulting projects. Please don't worry, I'm fine, but I'm acknowledging that I need a moment, which is one of the few perks of being self-employed. Major props to my advertising clients, who let me pause or delay their campaigns. Have a great holiday and we will connect soon!
If you can, say a little prayer, kind thought, or moment of silence for others today. The world seems a little darker today, sadder, and more unsure. Many (if not all of us) have direct and indirect connections with the violence that seems to be becoming more frequent in our neighborhoods, schools, places of worship, jobs, nightclubs, and shopping centers. Things feel unsafe because, with the increasing gun violence, there is no longer any "safe" place to go. People have died in the damn library, for Christ's sake!
How can you genuinely live when you are just trying to survive the ordinary actions of life? Living in DC for over 25 years, you see and experience a lot. I've lost count of the people I know who were murdered, of how many times I've ducked down and hid when caught between someone with a gun (or guns) and their intended victims. In my own Congress Heights neighborhood, I once fought an armed man with a knife. Years before that, I found a young man behind my home who had been shot multiple times and died while I was giving him CPR. I can't even count how many times I've personally seen shootings in Ward 5, where I live now. Pardon my french, but this shit is out of hand. And it has been out of hand for a long time.
I include homicide reports on CHotR because they have value. I want to honor in some small way the seniors, adults, teens, children, and infant victims we lose too often in these DC streets. I read these MPD press releases daily. It has an effect. Sometimes it takes all of my inner strength to get out of my bed, let alone out of my door. It's one of the reasons I am thankful for having a therapist I see weekly who helps me process much of this stuff. I constantly worry about community members (including first responders) who don't have that safe space to process their mental trauma. I read the comments to my homicide posts from friends and family of the deceased. While I feel my contribution in sharing this information is the least I can do, every comment by a family member or friend of a homicide victim is the appreciation that I do it. By seeing their deceased family member mentioned, the family and friends left behind feel in some way that someone out there can acknowledge their grief and loss.
I've never spoken about this publicly, but for many years I've communicated (anonymously) via an online guest book with the mother of the man I tried to save all those years back. She didn't and still doesn't know my name, but it was important to me that she knew he didn't die alone. And no matter how many years passed, she writes to him faithfully almost daily in that same guest book about how much she misses him. Her grief is palpable still. I want to fix that, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I try to find the words, but it's not enough.
So, I came to you to confess that I'm struggling this morning. Virginia Beach is my hometown. The Chesapeake Walmart is a very short distance (like down the road) from my family home. My family shops in that Walmart. I've shopped in that Walmart. So like many people, my first thought was, "Where is my mom?! Where are my brother and sisters?! Where's my stepfather?! Where are my aunt and my cousins?!" Like everyone in the country, I couldn't stop watching the news, although it was killing me on the inside, retriggering my trauma in a million different ways. But, I am "lucky" this time because my family is safe...for now.
But all of us must be asking, "but for how long?"